She prays to Allah to give her the strength, patience, courage and guidance for nights like these. Especially strength and especially patience. Because to not know, to be stuck in an emotional loop, it is so very, very frustrating.
She wonders if any of her friends or anyone she knows, knows how it feels like to be stuck in a vacuum? Like an astronaut floating in space, unbeknownst of anything down on Earth? Or like an inmate awaiting death row, counting the non-existent days, minutes till his eventual demise. All she’s left is constant wondering and sometimes it gets difficult.
Why is it difficult? Because she wonders if it is all worth it; this waiting, this keeping it in. It’s so very amazing, she herself is so surprised at her innate ability to be so calm, composed and to not reveal anything on her face. She will not be the betrayer of her very own emotions, her own thoughts, her own feelings. Not right now, not at this moment. She knows it is not the right time yet.
She feels stuck in this loop, this stasis. On some days, she wants to just let it all out, not caring and not giving a thought as to the consequences, the ramifications. Because she just wants this burden to be out of her chest, so that she can finally move on and be free from the shackles imposed on her, by her.
But she knows she can’t, at least not yet. The worst part, she knows, is not knowing if it’s all worth it in the end, if her patience, her wait would mean anything in the end. She is so close to giving up, because she doesn’t know if it’s worth her effort, her time, her feelings. This is the part which she cannot seem to grasp at all. But she knows that all she can do is to be patient. So very ironic, she thinks.